Grandma's Cherry Cheese

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(this is a copy of the actual paper recipe from her box)

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This is what we will be making today, I will show you yummy pictures later when it is accomplished! Mom, Sarah & I made it for Thanksgiving and if I can upload the ridiculously funny video at some point I will! You can swap the cherries out for really any pie filling you would like.

Grandma made this all the time, we really wanted to carry on that tradition.

It is the little things that keep her spirit around us.

This is our first batch of holidays without her, it goes without saying how much we miss her!

I know that she is smiling down from heavens party, along side our other

nearest and small dearest (Miss Jade).

Wishing you inner peace and harmony, Happy Holidays!

The weather sure matched our mood on Jade's Birthday!

(if you are reading this through email delivery be sure to click on the blog title to visit the actual blog to view the slideshow)

Our daughter Jade would have been 3 years old today.

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Jade.

xox

Breakfast at Denny's the torture continues...

As if the food wasn't bad enough...

At breakfast this morning,

I hear from the other side of the room...

"Happy Birthday to you...blah blah blah..."

I look and naturally they are singing Happy Birthday to an adorable 3 year old little girl.

How many people have heard some one having a birthday at Denny's, how likely is this???

You just have to be frickin" kidding me!!!

Just LOVELY!!!

9-11 (sensitive post)

(This is my therape blog to write, vent, talk and remember if you don't like it, don't read it, it is really that simple.)

September 11th 2001 will always be one of the saddest days Americans will remember. Not only the saddest days but also the scariest. Everyone remembers where they were that morning. The could not be a soul that doesn't remember how scared we all were.

We watched in horror, disbelief and utter helplessness as precious lives were lost, hero's were made and lives were changed forever. We don't often question our rights as free citizens to do as we please and feel safe and protected under the guidelines and enforcement of our government, but that day and many days since we question our safety.

Most of us sat glued to our TVs and prayed that they would find survivors after the towers fell. Not to mention the stories of the plane that hit the pentagon and the plane that was bravely taken over that did not kill any other people only the brave that took it over.

We heard tales of last phone calls and stories upon stories of hero's that never came home. We should never forget how lucky we are and embrace our wonderful freedom. Lets not forget to embrace how precious life is, and that in a moment it can all be taken away...On an utmost personal level September 11th 2005 is a day that would forever change me as a person.

It changed the person that I thought I was and question my faith in everything. One would think that over 3 years I would stop feeling so lost. My heart breaks for the people that lost their loved ones on 9-11-2001 especially the mothers and fathers who lost their children. You see we have this little club that we do not want members to join but when they do there is an instant bond.

It is indescribable the pain of loosing your child.

9-11-2005 is the day I went in unsuspecting to give birth to my beautiful daughter Jade.

My entire life changed in a matter of moments when I was told she had passed away. I can no longer recall and maybe I could never remember everything that went on over the course of the next few days, but I know that I will never forget what it felt like to lose her.

I thought that over time it would get better and maybe I am just in this dark place because we recently added yet another angel to heaven with my last miscarriage...but I can't forget.

Everything reminds me of what we have lost.

I honestly try to be happy and go on like I should mostly because I have no choice, and maybe one day it will be not such a forced effort.

So until that days comes pardon me if I am extra sensitive at insensitive comments, events or anything said that hurts me, while it may not hurt others and may not make sense to anyone but me as to why it hurts, I can't always help the way I feel. I didn't get the manual on how to appropriately behave around others and make other people feel comfortable around me...

There is so much that I had hoped and wished for when I was pregnant with Jade that will never come to pass. I can't stop thinking of my pregnancy and her birth and death...you see it is all I have...that's it, I don't get any more memories to look back on. I can't remember the good times.

I can only think of the hurt and the emptiness

I felt the moment I knew she was gone.

Like a tape recorder it plays over and over, the next few days for me are torture even still, I can't even work. I function all the others days of the year but these few days I take in memory of my beautiful angel.

We will be going to the cemetery and doing our balloon release Saturday morning...

3 balloons this year...1 for every year she would have had a birthday...

3...I can't believe it.

(Jade's footprints)

The Sun~L Come Out Tomorrow....

When our daughter Jade died 3 years ago this September 13th I received a plant arrangement from my 2 bosses. There was just green plants in the pot and a few carnations. Over the past 3 years the philodendron piece that was in there has grown like crazy!

There was no flowers planted in the dirt...

but every year around this time one single beautiful Lilly pops up and blooms!

Some of my days are very dark and gloomy especially when my daughters birthday comes around, Tuesday was one of those days...Wednesday I woke up to a beautiful sunny day and stepped out on my porch and my Jade Lilly had bloomed! I will not even accept the fact that it is a coincidence that this lone Lilly blooms every year...just one not two or three...just one beautiful pink Lilly.

That very morning I turned around on my porch and my first hibiscus flower had also bloomed...THE SAME DAY!!!
This plant we bought when I was pregnant with Jade.

I shouldn't have moved the little stick that was by it because its silky soft petal tore a little, not that it takes away from its beauty...such irony...

Memorial Day...

As I think of Memorial Day naturally I reflect upon all the men and women we have lost in the awful wars that happen, and how many people put their lives on the line for their countries!

But then I can not help but reflect on how many people have lost loved ones to all kinds of things. Death is one of the hardest parts of our lives to have to deal with, we have no choice, we just carry on and try to cope with the holes in our hearts that our loved ones leave.

I try not to be sad about these things or dwell on it to much, but I do need to take the time to honor a few people in my life that I have recently lost.

Someone once told me that when you lose a child it is not just life changing it is person changing...I believe this to be so.

I used to be so terrified of dying and now it just seems to be just a different level of life, not that I plan on going anywhere soon, nor do I want anyone else's presence to be absent either (we are selfish that way, huh?).

I just feel like there must be a party somewhere that we all here are just missing out on!

That being said, to all the Mom's who have lost their children, we know that no words express what we feel, we belong to a club that we don't want new members to join and we all should have an extra hug today and everyday!

I hope everyone is spending time with their families and good friends today and taking time to honor and reflect on the people in their lives that they have lost.

So if you don't mind I would like to take a few moments and remember the those who are on my mind especially today...

My little angel,

Jade Mary Ferguson

September 2005

Ethel Pastewski

December 2005

My husband Jeff's Grandmother

Telly Salmon

June 2007

My dear friend

David Hirsch

October 2007

The son of my dear friend Diane.

Gert Nicosia (Gram)

March 2008

My Grandmother

Ivano Mazzulla

April 2008

The brother of my dear friend Carmelina.

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I think of you often

and make no outward show,

But what it means to lose you,

no one will ever know

You wished no one farewell,

not even said good-bye,

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knows why.

You are not forgotten

nor will you ever be,

As long as life and memories last,

I will remember thee.

To some you may be forgotten,

to others a part of the past,

But to me who loved you dearly,

your memories will always last.

Nothing can be more beautiful

than the memories I have of you.

To me, you were someone special,

God must have thought so too!

If tears could build a staircase and memories a lane,

I would walk all the way to Heaven,

and bring you back again.

author

~Anonymous~

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