Monday, May 12

That little bluebird...

My Grandmother had a fantastic knack for always knowing when I was in trouble.
I would always ask her "Gramma how did you know that?" you would think her answer would change the older I got but it always remained the same...
"The little bluebird told me"!
Now when I was very little I thought about finding this little bluebird and giving him a piece of my mind for having such a big mouth and spilling all my bad behavior out to my Grams. I think of ways to give him chewing gum so that his little beak would be to busy to ramble on!
Then as I got older I loved that little bluebird for whispering the things I didn't want to admit but needed to talk about. I would walk through Grams backyard beckoning him to deliver secrets so that I wouldn't have to.
He always did.
She always responded.
Now keep in mind the way Grams responded wasn't always the smooth way you would have liked it to be, but there were never any secrets from Grandma.
I believed there wasn't anything she couldn't fix, and believe me I was right.
I never seen that women back down from anything!
She could hold her head high wherever she went, (and she did).
She was the strongest person I have ever known...
Life just doesn't seem quite balanced with her gone.
We are left to pick up the pieces and try to get along without her, and every single one of us are trying in the best ways that we can, all in our own ways.
I will remember that call I received from my father Thursday morning when he said that Uncle Bruce and Mom had taken her to the hospital...I had a terrible feeling in my stomach that she was going to leave us. As soon as I got to the hospital and seen her I knew that my feelings were so horribly right. I was so glad I got to say a few short things to her before surgery.
I am even more grateful that we got 1 night to be with her before she left.
I don't care what anyone says and they will never convince me otherwise but I believe she heard everything we said that night. I am glad for quiet moments alone when I could tell her how jealous I was that she would get to see my baby daughter Jade, and to take good care of her for me. I told her that it was OK to go, I wanted her to stay, but I understood if she wanted to go. Most of all I told her I would miss her and I was sorry for not spending more time with her...it could have never been enough time!
Somewhere between the hours of 2 and 4am Sarah and I were singing and talking to her and begging her to wake up for just one more minute...just one...just to hear her voice, there was a moment and the only time all night that she stirred and moved a bit as if she was going to wake up, although she never did!
I was glad that almost her whole family was around her when she left us, there wasn't a room in that hospital with more love in it. Even through the sadness there was glowing white energy of love surrounding all of us around her bed, as if angels accompanied each one of us to help hold our hearts as they were breaking, and to gently carry Gram away.
Now we all go on...getting better each day...then worse again...
but knowing that she loved each one of us more then anything!
I have never known a more generous, strong, fun, courageous & most of all loving person, I only hope that we make Gram proud in the things that we do.

3 comments:

Cheryl said...

She sounds like a fabulous woman! I can understand why you miss her so much! I'm thinking of you!

Hope said...

I stumbled over here to find out where you have been lately. You brought tears to my eyes as I read your story. I was never very close to my grandmothers but I have lost people in my life that I loved more than anything and I can understand your pain. Your grandmother sounded like a fantastic women. I hope you are doing ok and your sistas miss you.

Anonymous said...

Jules,
Grandma was proud of her entire family, she was always the one who kept us all together. Do not think otherwise even for a second. She loved you and I love you for such beautiful words you have written about Grandma. She will always be missed but always will be remembered for her laughter and her caring for our entire family and all of her friends. YOU know that she is partying in Heaven with our father and family, including Jade & Ma.
Love,
Mom