(This is my therape blog to write, vent, talk and remember if you don't like it, don't read it, it is really that simple.)
September 11th 2001 will always be one of the saddest days Americans will remember. Not only the saddest days but also the scariest. Everyone remembers where they were that morning. The could not be a soul that doesn't remember how scared we all were.
We watched in horror, disbelief and utter helplessness as precious lives were lost, hero's were made and lives were changed forever. We don't often question our rights as free citizens to do as we please and feel safe and protected under the guidelines and enforcement of our government, but that day and many days since we question our safety.
Most of us sat glued to our TVs and prayed that they would find survivors after the towers fell. Not to mention the stories of the plane that hit the pentagon and the plane that was bravely taken over that did not kill any other people only the brave that took it over.
We heard tales of last phone calls and stories upon stories of hero's that never came home. We should never forget how lucky we are and embrace our wonderful freedom. Lets not forget to embrace how precious life is, and that in a moment it can all be taken away...On an utmost personal level September 11th 2005 is a day that would forever change me as a person.
It changed the person that I thought I was and question my faith in everything. One would think that over 3 years I would stop feeling so lost. My heart breaks for the people that lost their loved ones on 9-11-2001 especially the mothers and fathers who lost their children. You see we have this little club that we do not want members to join but when they do there is an instant bond.
It is indescribable the pain of loosing your child.
9-11-2005 is the day I went in unsuspecting to give birth to my beautiful daughter Jade.
My entire life changed in a matter of moments when I was told she had passed away. I can no longer recall and maybe I could never remember everything that went on over the course of the next few days, but I know that I will never forget what it felt like to lose her.
I thought that over time it would get better and maybe I am just in this dark place because we recently added yet another angel to heaven with my last miscarriage...but I can't forget.
Everything reminds me of what we have lost.
I honestly try to be happy and go on like I should mostly because I have no choice, and maybe one day it will be not such a forced effort.
So until that days comes pardon me if I am extra sensitive at insensitive comments, events or anything said that hurts me, while it may not hurt others and may not make sense to anyone but me as to why it hurts, I can't always help the way I feel. I didn't get the manual on how to appropriately behave around others and make other people feel comfortable around me...
There is so much that I had hoped and wished for when I was pregnant with Jade that will never come to pass. I can't stop thinking of my pregnancy and her birth and death...you see it is all I have...that's it, I don't get any more memories to look back on. I can't remember the good times.
I can only think of the hurt and the emptiness
I felt the moment I knew she was gone.
Like a tape recorder it plays over and over, the next few days for me are torture even still, I can't even work. I function all the others days of the year but these few days I take in memory of my beautiful angel.
We will be going to the cemetery and doing our balloon release Saturday morning...
3 balloons this year...1 for every year she would have had a birthday...
3...I can't believe it.